my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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