have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Randomize
