So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
