I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
