oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
