Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
