My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
