Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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