when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
