wanna go halves on a baby?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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