just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
