The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
