i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
