my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
