i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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