I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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