My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
