I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
