Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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