I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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