I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
