this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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