Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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