life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
