I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
