I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
