Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
