oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
