The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
