I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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