I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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