Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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