I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
