fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
