Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
