I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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