There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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