It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
