Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Girls should come with a carfax report
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
