I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
