the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
