I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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