i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
