she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
