I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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