Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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