so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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