your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
