is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
