I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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