When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
