***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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